Love will find a way! They say….
But, I did not find it.
These feelings,
The stolen moments,
These glances,
Is this your love……..for me?
There are signs! They say…….
But, I did not see them.
These heartbeats,
These sighs,
These blues,
Are they showing something …..to me?
It is written! They say…..
But, I did not read it.
This longing,
This loneliness,
This pain,
Were they written……..for me?
It is never too late! They say…….
I do believe it.
To close the door,
To walk away,
To never look back,
A new life awaits….for me,
It is written….for me.
I like the style or form you used for this. I love when as a writer you do this, find that a poem was meant for a specific mold.
ReplyDeleteso my feedback is as follows: On thing as writers and as humans that we do, in my opinion, is sweat certain words. I am obsessed with the word "rise". but because i know that, I am also obsessed with the thesaurus!! Thats the first suggestion I have. Read thru your poem. words like "find", "pain", or "walk" are frequently used in poems and every day conversation. Maybe shake it up, leave some so it still feels genuine to you, but also play around with others, so it doesnt seem so ordinary. The originality of the set up of this poem is anything BUT ordinary, so tweaking the language may be more harmonious and will highlight that originality.
specific suggestions:
4rd line, 1st stanza
change "the stolen moments" to "these stolen moments" to make it match the rest of the stanzas.
2nd line, 4th stanza
all the other stanza's 2nd lines are "did not"s. the 2nd line in the 4th is a "did". did you do that to shake it up? just pointing it out, I think it works, but to gel with the rest of the poem, maybe you want to try changing it to match the others.
Lastly, I think the following line should be cut. In my opinion, its extra and it ruins the PUNCH that your last line has.
Again, all my opinion. On the whole, lovely lovely poem!
I could feel your longing and wondering, truly lovely poem.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we are so caught in a dream, we forgot that the reality is a blessing.
Evelyn- Thanks for the feedback. Actually, when I write the poem, I just write what I feel and what comes to my mind from my heart....yes, I do work upon the rhyme, use words to match with the rest and have a smooth flow.
ReplyDeleteCertainly I will work upon my drawbacks....thank you so much again.
Oceangirl - Thanks xx
ReplyDeleteEvery love being new n fresh
ReplyDeleteI guess is to be scripted anew with
No past to pester n polish…I hardly get
What makes you scribbles these lines
But you n I n everyone ought to find our love…
Personally, I liked your poem and I'm glad it was written! The heart doesn't follow prescribed guidelines and I think your poem reflected that.
ReplyDeleteI like the use of repetition, and the way you turned it all around at the end.
ReplyDelete